Day 40, AYAT - I was visited by an angel that morning… Okay, not a real angel but every time PA R. visited me it was first thing in the morning and her golden hair shined like an angel. I remember the first time I saw her and thought “Wow, I would love to have hair that glowed in the light like that.” She was such a comfort to talk to, a great bedside manner. I felt like I could talk to her from day one. This morning she was asking about the day before and how I was feeling. I was still nervous about the fevers and I had had one the day before. I had also been outside the day before and it was wonderful. I could only stay outside for about 30 minutes as I was strangely cold. I usually run hot so being cold was a new thing. Not a bad thing, just a new thing. I was developing some congestion and I think they put me on some Claritin. They tested to see if I had Covid, the flu, or RSV. All came back negative. I was in isolation because of the VRE. I am thankful that I didn’t have one of those on top of all of this. I only had a few visitors, all family, because I was so tired most of the time. One of the physical therapists had told me that it would feel like I was running a marathon for a long time. She had said this while I was in the ICU and I didn’t understand what that meant until I was in a regular room and it was time to get up to use the bathroom. They used this something Susan to help me up. I used my upper body strength to pull myself up and I groaned the whole time. I was in a lot of pain and it wasn’t until they drained the pockets of fluid from my abdomen that I figured out why I was in so much pain. Everything I did was a million times harder than before all of this. By day 40 I was standing and possibly taking a few steps but I had to use a walker most of the time and they used a belt around my chest to catch me in case I fell. I hated the belt. I didn’t fall and I know it gave them peace of mind but I would have loved to just rip that thing off and walk on my own.
Today: Not much going on just cleaning. I have still been in pain between my incisions so I am watching that closely. I received a much-appreciated call this morning from PA E. She wanted to check up on me. After feeling so down about making a fool of myself yesterday, it was nice to chat with her. Sometimes all someone needs is a little compassion. I have been so hard on myself since all of this happened. I refused medications at times, pushed myself to do better, and chastised myself for things beyond my control. I have to keep reminding myself that there is no right or wrong right now. Giving up is not an option, nor do I feel like I want to, but sometimes I feel like I should not have issues. The reality is that what will be will be. I do not have control over what my body decides to do. I get to live in it and it has a mind of its own. Getting help does not make me weak and the professionals are there to help. They are people too and who’s to say that they wouldn’t experience the same kinds of challenges if they were in my place? I am really glad they studied medicine because not all of us are cut out to do that. Some of us have spent our time pursuing a reason to live… Art… What is life without creativity, beauty, and dreams? Art makes life worth living.
Pic-not my pic.
