November 11, 2024 - Final

This has been a wonderful project and it has helped me process all that I went through. I also enjoyed seeing where I had been and where I am this year. So much has changed and I have direction. I didn’t know what the reasons were at the time but it has been an adventure seeing how the puzzle is coming together. Everything happens for a reason.

Update on my father: He was admitted to the hospital for several days with congestive heart failure. He was released on Thursday with a slue of follow-ups and medication to help him stay on track. Thank you all for your prayers and words of encouragement.

Pic: Not an actual pic of my area but captures the feeling. I am finally at home and we had our first “blizzard.” Over 2 feet of snow which I absolutely loved!!! Winter came early this year or at least the snow did. I love Colorado!

Pic 2: Dr Wonderful’s gift

November 4, 2024 - Prayers Please

Day 65, AYAT - I was discharged from the hospital that day. I wrote a whole post about it and it disappeared so this is gonna have to wait until tomorrow as today has been a really hard day. I would cherish any prayers that you can send my family as my dad is in the hospital in the cardiac wing. Until we know more, I’m not gonna share, but please send us your prayers.

Pic of a beautiful quilt I would love to make.

November 3, 2024

Day 64, AYAT - I remember Dr. J coming to my room and explaining that this kind of surgery could be done at bedside which meant that they would remove the wound VAC in my room. I was scared of the pain and urged him to do it in a surgical suite while under anesthesia, he agreed but because there were no availability, they gave me the option to either have the procedure done bedside that day, which meant that I could go home that day or wait until the weekend when there was some availability. The thought of going home was overwhelming so I agreed to the bedside Removal of the Wound VAC. I was awake during the entire time and was able to converse with everyone. I didn’t feel any pain. They were very good at managing everything and then it was over. I was closed up and I was resting. I didn’t go home this day. But I was so close to going from an inpatient to an outpatient status. Earlier that morning I had given OT and PT a run for their money as they were requesting that I perform for them so they could release me from their care. They wanted me to walk up some stairs to make sure that when I went to my mothers home, I would be safe, I remember being very grumpy as I still had tubes coming out from a lot of different places and everything hurt to move, but they also dangled the car in front of me and sad if I showed them that I was able to go up the stairs that I was one step closer to going home and they would leave me alone. That was what I wanted to just be left alone be in charge of my own care. I looked him straight in the eye and said if I do this for you, you will leave me alone? They both said yes and we went. I showed them that I could get out of bed. I even walked all the way from my room to where the steps were, which was definitely more than 100 feet and at the time that was a lot of work, but I did it , I got up those four stairs and I got to the top. I then said did I do it can we be done now? They both with smiles on their face said yes, we are done.

Day 64, AYAT … continued. Once they both smiled and said yes, we were finished. I slowly hobble down the stairs to my wheelchair and ask them to wheel me back since I was really tired. They were more than happy to oblige. I know I gave them a hard time and later I went back and hugged them both for all of their hard work and apologized for my attitude. They were very gracious about it and it meant a lot to me that they were there for me these professionals give so much of themselves And until you were in those situations, it’s really hard to see it. As hard as all of this was, I am so thankful I was surrounded by the team that was there.

Today: I’m finally home in Colorado after almost 2 weeks of traveling I’m exhausted and I’m so happy to be with my dear husband and babies. I slept off and on and started to prepare for a very special meeting coming up this week. I’m also hopefully giving my gift to Dr. Wonderful as long as we can make the times work still. It’s been a great two weeks and I am really happy that I got to do all of that. The conference was amazing and spending time with my mom was memorable something that I will carry with me for the rest of my life. My cup runneth over!

November 2, 2024

Day 63, AYAT- this was the day I was scheduled for surgery to remove the wound vac. I actually wrote this post but somehow it disappeared so I need to get to bed because I have a huge day tomorrow by the way, the International Quilt Festival in Houston has one more beautiful day if anyone is interested in attending. I plan on making the most Of tomorrow, which is almost today. Daylight savings is also happening tomorrow!

Today I had a wonderful day with my mother, and we got to do abstract painting on fabric. I did not finish my project but will finish it when I finally head home.

Picture is of one of my favorite quotes at the festival.

November 1, 2024 - A different look???

Day 62, AYAT- this is the day that a lot of my hair was cut out. I had developed a rat nest on the top of my head, and there was virtually no way of combing through it. My mom and nurse worked to cut it out so that way when I went home, I wouldn’t have this mass stuck on top of my head. I absolutely hated losing my hair that way, but if I had known that it was going to fall out anyway I’m not sure I would’ve mourned it the way that I did. I just remember feeling Defeated. I’m not gonna go into the reason, but I did feel defeated.

Today: I had a lovely day with my mom sitting at the dinner table, talking about how we were going to change the spaces that we create. I have come up with a good plan on how to organize my barn into workable spaces so that way I can support all of the different mediums I work with. We then went to dinner with my best friend and her husband and had Tex-Mex. The food was great and we snapped a few pictures. The wind was blowing which blew my frizzy hair up over my head and caused me to look completely goofy. Needless to say, I’m not happy with the picture and I am not happy with my hair. It is growing back extremely curly. I don’t know if it’s because it’s so short or because I am in an extremely quite humid area, but it is really hard to manage. On the upside, if I wanted to look like I was in 1830, my hair would be perfect. I’ve had a great time in Houston! I cannot wait to go back to my beloved COLORADO where I get to enjoy the cold and the snow.

Not my pic but my how I feel…

October 31, 2024 - Ricky Tims!!!!!!

Day 61, AYAT It was the day after surgery and I don’t remember a lot of specifics however I do remember it was Halloween, and my dear husband brought me a jack-o’-lantern full of candy to celebrate the holiday and make me feel special.

Today: Mom and I spent the day at the international quilt festival where we got to see quilts that had been submitted to the contest, a lot of booths, have a great lunch from the barbecue place, and sit in on a few lectures. I also got to meet my favorite Quilt person Ricky Tims. I went all fan girl on him and kind of made a fool of myself which I’m OK with because I got to meet him!

Pic: me and Ricky Tims!

October 30, 2024

Day 60, AYAT - Guess who’s body doesn’t like surgery… yep, that’s me. I developed a complication and had to have a procedure to remove more infection. I’m so thankful for the patience of my surgical team! I cannot even imagine how frustrating it was to oversee my case but they did an amazing job. I remember being wheeled into the OR and seeing kind, compassionate, eyes great me. I teared up because I was afraid but felt safe because of the familiar faces. I was always in great hands. I woke up from surgery feeling like I had just had surgery but was without the crazy pains I had been experiencing before. There was a wound vac in place but that was ok. I was on my way to getting released soon. It was a great day.

Today was equally a great day! I was able to visit the fantastic art room at the MD Anderson campus. This was such a treat!!! Thank you Kacie for your time and generosity!!! My mom flew in today so we can attend the International Quilt Festival here in Houston. Time to shift focus so I am switching gears and having a little fun!!!

Pic - Not mine. Just love the bee and dandelions!

October 29, 2024

Day 59, AYAT- Part 1, I had been having fevers often on for days, and guess what another Fever. They ordered a CT scan and found a hematoma. What brought on that hematoma? Well, I can tell you I was on a massive amount of blood thinners, and my body had a history of deciding to do the exact opposite of what doctors wanted it to do. I do remember this day. I had been suffering from more nausea but I had a little bit of an appetite, so my mom had brought me some creamy stuffed garlic Alfredo shells. You know the big ones that were about 3 to 4 inches long. She walks into the room and immediately the smell of garlic and pure yummy starts my salivary glands. She hands me the container and I immediately open it up grab a fork and Spear one of the shells, Breaking off just enough for a bite. I kid you not, as I am about to place this wonderful Alfredo cheesy concoction in my mouth, The hospitalist knocks on the door and comes in. My mouth is hanging open wide in anticipation of the treat and I freeze in mid-air. The look on his face is enough to stop me so I put it down and listen to what he saying. They found something and they believe that I will need surgery and suggested that I hold off for just a little while to see if that surgery is going to be that day or the next. It was pure torture having that Tantalizing garlic aroma in the room. I thought about just licking a little bit to help with the hunger pains that had started to come on, but I trusted the doctor and I waited. He came back in about half an hour/45 minutes to explain that the surgery would take place the next day and yes, I was free to eat the food however because of the type of cheese that was in the shells, it would be best to not eat the entire thing. He was completely completely right and I was able to eat about three before it was too much.

Day 59, AYAT- today was a great day I was able to shadow a former professor and his team while they reflected on Last week's conference. I also learned so much information that my head is spinning and it’s gonna take me a while to process all of it. I’m very thankful for Professor Todd his willingness to share the information that he knows as well as help me along my journey is invaluable I even. Kind of went all fan girl on him and had him sign both the book which he wrote a chapter and the White paper. Who knew back in 2018 when I met Todd that all of this would happen? Everything happens for a reason!

Pic 1 - Pasta

Pic 2 - Beautiful quilt I would love to make

October 28, 2024

Day 58, AYAT- I received another transfusion that day. I also had more fevers, a lot of chills, and pain, and my eyes burned so badly. I was emotional and tearful. I do remember this day and I remember crying to the nurse asking her why my eyes burned so badly. She was compassionate and she held my hand as I cried. I remember shivering so hard that all I wanted to do was take the hottest shower possible or be buried in burning towels. My normal body temperature is lower than the average so having a temperature of 101 was excruciating. It was a hard day.

Today: It was amazing. I got to see a friend I hadn’t seen in three years and experience a hug that surpassed my own if you’ve ever received a hug from me, you will know that I am a hugger and long hugger. We are afraid to touch and reach out to support each other. A lot of that has to do with Covid and some of it has to do with the way we are as a society. My favorite time of the year is coming up and someone asked me “Why is this my favorite time of the year?” I said something stupid about food which is partly true but only because it is the first meal that I know How to make from start to Finish all of the dishes. A huge accomplishment, if you know anything about my past. But there’s a deeper meaning behind my favorite time of year. It is the only time that we try to be kind to each other. It doesn’t matter what we believe, we try to be kind. Hug each other and be kind.

October 27, 2024 - A direction

Day 57, AYAT - I had another fever, throwing up, and in pain. I was sure it had something to do with medication. I was too tired to work with PT and OT because of all the nausea and throwing up. I kind of remember this time and I also remember still being in a lot of pain at my incision site from the reversal of the ileostomy. I just thought that I wasn’t healing as fast as I had before or that I was tender because that place had been accidentally struck by the nurse’s hand. I still wasn’t aware that something was wrong. They had stopped the antibiotics. I was getting excited about getting out of the hospital and I had done a lot of thinking about going to a rehab facility versus going home to my mothers. I still was planning to stay close to the hospital for the first couple of weeks after discharge and my home was too far away. If anything was gonna go wrong I don’t think this was a bad decision. I think it was full of a lot of wisdom, considering all of the things that had gone wrong and I was petrified of being too far away. My home was too far away from help. What was once viewed as a prison had become my Safehaven.

Today I slept in and it was much-needed rest not only was it daylight savings, but I just let my body heal from being so busy the past couple of days with the convention. The convention had been amazing and I learned so much I Know I am on the right track to do what I meant to do. I am excited about it and I can’t get my hands on enough resources quickly enough. In the coming week, my mom will be coming to Houston and we get to go to the international quilt festival in Houston. Quilting is one of my passions and it tickles my need for Solving puzzles. Bring on the math!

Pic is not my quilt but one I want to make.

October 26, 2024 - I am not who I was a year ago...

Day 56, AYAT - I was still recovering from the reversal of the Ileostomy. For the most part I was doing well but I had a fever a few nights before and chills when the ID doc visited. My stats were doing well but my white blood count was creeping up. I was sure it was some of the pain meds and started refusing anything but Tylenol. We were hoping I would be well enough to be discharged soon.

Today: I woke up with aches and pains so I took some Tylenol and had some breakfast. My best friend’s son was eager to play games and we played "The Floor is Lava." My dear husband ordered lunch for us, His romantic way of taking care of me while I am out of town. He also ordered me some Airborne which was so helpful and allowed me to gain some of my energy back. My BF son was also feeling a little under the weather and they laid down for a little bit. I worked on some research to prepare for a video call coming up. I am over the moon with excitement about it. While I was jotting down ideas and resources I started falling asleep so I spent the afternoon in an unconscious state dreaming and healing. Several hours later I woke up and felt a 100 times better. Sleep is a wonderful healer. It has been such a wonderful unexpected week and I am sooooo excited about all that I have learned and where I am going with it. More on that later. If you had asked me a year ago where I thought I would be now, I don't know what my answer would be but I don't think this would have come up. So much has happened and although this was not completely out of the question, I didn't have this in the front of my mind. I finally feel like I have found my calling, almost all of the pieces that is. There may be more that comes up but for now, I feel like I am on the path I was meant to be on. Thank you Dear husband for your support. I couldn't have done this without you.

October 25, 2024 - Catch Up

Day 55, AYAT - Well It’s not a year ago today as I am writing this on the 11th of November. So much happened when I went to Houston and some days I was just too tired to write anything. So this post is a little different:

On October 25, 2023, I had another fever of 101 and I thought it was from Dilaudid. They were concerned about the amount of food I was taking in, however, I still maintain that I was sick to my stomach and eating as much as I could. No worries now as I am more than fed, Some would call me well-developed! :) I do not remember a lot about the day.

October 25, 2024 - Day one of the NOAH Conference! Well, the red-eye I took to get to Houston was delayed almost an hour. There was a very chatty, intoxicated lady in the front of the plane getting more and more intoxicated and by the time we landed, she was slurring her words. I was so exhausted by the time the plane landed and kept to myself. I found my way to the baggage claim and retrieved my bags, caught my lift. As soon as I could, I got to my best friend’s house where I was greeted with the best hug! I got to bed as quickly as I could. In the morning I got up and was greeted with the sweetest smiles from my friend’s son. He is so precious! The conference didn’t officially start until 5 pm that night but there were some tours we could take. I visited Houston Methodist. My foot still hurt from my crazy cat so I didn’t do all of the tour but I had a great time and learned a lot. At the mixer/official start of the events, I met so many people and made some great connections. It was a great day!

October 24, 2024 - Best laid plans faltered, but it was still God’s plan

Day 54, AYAT- it was the day after the reversal. I personally don’t remember how I was feeling, but I do remember working with a nurse that was doing something above me and her hand dropped right on my incision. It was a complete accident and we both gasped. It didn’t hurt right away, but it began to hurt after a little while. I don’t know if it was that or something else that caused the trauma, but I began to guard my stomach and the fever started coming back. I didn’t know what was going on at the time. I just knew that it was extremely tender. I would let people examine me, but I would keep my hand in that area. The doctors noticed it sooner than I did. It didn’t take long for them to figure out what was going on.

Today: Has been an amazing day again at the Noah conference and I have learned so much. I also got to hug a professor I hadn’t seen in years and reconnect. I was very proud to report some of the progress I have made and to hear a little bit about what’s going on with him. This morning, my alarm did not go off and I woke up 2 1/2 hours later than I should’ve which meant that the time I woke up was when I should’ve been at the conference. I quickly got up and got to the conference. If I had been there any earlier I would not have been in the position to be able to reconnect with my professor. God had other plans and his plans were perfect. Everything happens for a reason.

Picture is of a medallion I made at the NOAH conference.

October 23, 2024

Day 53, AYAT- they did the reversal of the ostomy.  I remember recovering really well that day as they watched my vital signs.  I’ll have more on that tomorrow as I got home from the Noah conference pretty late and I have to get up really early tomorrow.

 Today, had an amazing time at the Noah conference. I met so many wonderful people and heard so many inspiring stories. More to come tomorrow.

October 22, 2024

Day 52, AYAT- I was doing well and improving. I was concerned about the blood thinners they weee giving me because I was supposed to have surgery the next day. I don’t remember a lot about that day. I certainly was not looking to what I would be like a year after. I think I would be proud of what I’ve done so far and I probably would’ve pushed myself a whole lot harder. During that time I spent thinking about the day and how I could make that day better. I tried to do some thing new and celebrate those accomplishments. One of my nurses that I had in the beginning had taught me to celebrate all of the little accomplishments. After being able to do little things which is all I was able to do at the time, she praised me and said, “You did it.” To this day. I still use that phrase. 

Today: I am catching a red eye flight to Houston. The conference starts tomorrow and I’m soooo excited.  I’m not going to get much sleep but the information that I will learn will make it worth it. So I’m writing my post sitting here waiting for the plane.  at 2 o’clock this morning I was woken up by one of the dogs, screaming its head off. I was watching a friend of mine’s dog and that was the dog that screamed. I jumped out of bed and ran out of my bedroom. I was attacked by my cat.  I don’t know what possessed her to be so crazy but I know a scratch pattern across the top of my foot which is preventing me from wearing shoes comfortably.  Not great timing considering I will be walking all over.  I still love the little girl.  I still never figured out what caused the dog to scream.  No blood no scratches no tears.  I’m thinking it was a nightmare. 

Pic: Excuse my ugly feet. I haven’t had a pedicure in a while. 

October 21, 2024 - Today Was the Day!

Day 51, AYAT - Still no fevers. It was great! No horrible crippling pain with chills and painful burning eyes. I was doing well, making small steps towards progress. This was the day that I ventured out of my room. I had asked them to put me in a wheelchair and sit me in the beautiful overlook room. The mountains were gorgeous and I ate my breakfast in there. I felt like I was finally going to get out and then she arrived. Dr. R, one of the most elegant, beautiful, tall women (everyone is tall when you are in a wheelchair) I have ever seen graces me with her presence. My head bent back from looking up and I instantly knew who she was. The staff had told me about her and all I could do was stare. The room had been extremely hot so I was barely holding onto my breakfast but I was able to keep it controlled until she left. She informed me that they were going to do the reversal early the following week and to be ready for it. This was the only time I got to see her and I still remember how she was kind and gracious. I know I was fumbling over my words hoping beyond hope that I wouldn’t “share” my breakfast with her and before I knew it, she was gone. I just watched her glide away. The CNA came and helped me back to my room where I “shared” my breakfast with a bag and then climbed into my bed. I worked with PT/OT and was proud of my progress without “sharing” with anyone else. It was a good day.

Today was equally a good day and I managed to make it through it without “sharing” with anyone. I will be traveling to Houston for a very special conference, all planned last minute and I will get to see my best friend and her family in the process. I heard about this opportunity over the weekend and had to make changes at breakneck speed to make it happen. After several phone calls, one stressful customer service person acting like a technical helper, one very frustrated Marie, and finally a very helpful hubby, all of the plans were in order and I was leaving sooner than I originally planned. This is a great opportunity to hear how others in my field have put their art-making skills to good use. I will also get to spend some time at the International Quilt Festival with my mother. It will be a long two weeks but it will be full of events and before I know it, I will be home with my dear husband, animals, and our dream farm. There is no place like home.

October 20, 2024

Day 50, AYAT - I felt nauseous all day. Some days were like that while others were not as bad. Later, after I was discharged, I figured out that the antibiotics caused a lot of the nausea. That’s a story for another day. I do not remember the specifics but across the board, the specialists were notating that I was sick to my stomach. I wouldn’t eat a lot and I was weak. From this standpoint, it sounds like a crummy day. Nothing else jogs a memory as to what the rest of the day was like. I do remember a day towards the beginning of this journey that comes to mind. It was after I was moved from the ICU into a regular room and I had to get up to use the bathroom. I am not a small person by any means but I also have major crazy strength when I need it. I had hit the call button and they had wheeled me into the bathroom. I got on the toilet and did my business, however, I could not get up. I tried and tried but just trying was tiring me out. Finally, an amazing CNA came in and stood in front of me. She looked me in the eyes and said “You gonna get up?” I can still hear her say it. She said it in a way that was a challenge and for someone who loves to rise to the challenge, looked her square in the eye and said “Yessssss.” Through gritted teeth and a lot of pulling, I found the determination to get up. I love that she knew exactly what to say and how to say it. Was it a guess on her part? Was it the beautiful accent that made me believe she was challenging me? I don’t know but it worked.

Today: It has been a quiet day and at 9:30 on this October night, the tinny sounds of rain hitting the window can be heard. usually, if we get moisture at this time have year, it’s snow. I wasn’t sure what was going on when I heard what I thought was the rumble of a car engine just a few minutes before but when I got up another crack hit. I love the sound of thunder in the distance and this was the soothing kind. It’s a beautiful sound to go to sleep to, like a nature lullaby.

Pic: Not mine but somewhere I wouldn’t mind living.

October 19, 2024

Day 49, AYAT - I was in better spirits. I had worked out with PT and OT. Doing both was a lot of work in one day, but I did it. I also had an amazing nurse M. Every nurse I had brought something different to my life at the time. Being in the hospital for so long isolated me in a way that is hard to describe. I could have visitors but I was so exhausted most of the time that they were out of the question. My closest family visited but they spent time helping me do PT/OT, and kept me fed when the food at the hospital was unbearable. The food wasn’t horrible, I was just tired of the same food, day in and day out. My nurse M and I had come up with an option that helped with the nausea and protein intake. I remember one day I had just finished my cheese, meat, and crackers and the tray was lying on the bed. Those beds are just big enough for the person and not much more. I decided to put the tray on my walker, thinking it would hold it. Well…. bad idea. No sooner had I laid it on the walker that it fell on one side and crashed to the floor. The plate, what had remained on the plate, and the juice container fell with it. It looked like I had had a tantrum. I debated on getting out of bed and cleaning it up but the rail was up and I still had a hard time walking without my walker. Sooo I had to decide between risking a fall or swallowing my pride and asking for help. I pushed the call button hoping the CNA would answer but no sooner had I pushed the button but nurse M came in. I immediately apologized and her gaze went to the floor. I explained what I was trying to do and she was gracious about it. She even went so far as to make a joke about it, “Well if you are mad about something, we can talk about it. No need to throw things around.” It was just what I needed to hear. It broke the tension and relieved me of shame, and we had stuff to tell the night nurse that was coming on shift soon. In those moments, nurse M taught me to laugh again. Nurse K had taught me to hope again by planning for my future and nurse M taught me that it was okay to laugh. Until that moment I had been holding my breath. This is just one of the many examples of how these healthcare providers helped me. Yes, it’s their job to monitor their patience, give medications, report on progress, and overall make sure things are going in the right direction but what isn’t as much in their job description is compassion. Hopefully, this comes naturally and for most of my nurses it was but I did have one or two that lacked it. Compassion makes all of the difference and when she showed compassion instead of anger, I was relieved of the shame I felt for not being able to take care of myself. I am so independent that this stay in the hospital was humiliating. I had to humble myself over and over but the staff worked very hard not to make it worse. I have had nurses that didn’t understand my needs and humiliated me. This didn’t happen at this hospital, it was another one several years before. To this day I refuse to go back to the other hospital. Nurse M, thank you for helping me laugh again. Thank you for your compassion, and thank you for the stories. I loved living vicariously through your stories.

Today: I hosted a wreath-making class for the textile guild. I was gifted a beautiful picture by a couple of little girls as a thank-you for the class. During class, I was running around and didn’t get to open the picture until I got home. Once I opened it, I was blown away by all of the details. It brightened my day so much so that it will be framed and hung on my studio wall. It was a great day.

Pic: I just love the bubbles.

October 18, 2024

Day 48, AYAT - I woke up with a headache, which I hardly ever experienced. If I wake up with a headache, it’s normally from the muscle spasms I get in my shoulder. They hurt like crazy and take me out for most of the day. I think we eventually figured out that this one was due to an oxygen issue at night but I cannot remember for sure. I know I was in a good amount of pain for it to be a thing I bring up. The rest of the stats were going in the right direction except I was getting low on red blood cells. I don’t remember anything else from the day and I am not seeing anything from my notes to jog my memory. A lot of my time at the hospital was a blur. Once I got into a routine, things were easier to manage but other than the normal, eat, see doctors, specialists, nurses, PT/OT, family, and necessities, most of it was a blur. I did get into a few shows such as cooking competitions and Shark Tank. They were mostly reruns because I had seen some of the products on the market. Sometimes the sharks were funny but sometimes they were.. well… you know… Sharks. These people have a lot of nerve going up against a Shark. I would clumsily tell jokes and talk my way out of negotiations because of the nerves! Luckily, I haven’t invented anything that needs funding! I know there is a collective sigh of relief from the Sharks, no one-liner puns for you my friends!

Today I spent almost my entire day on the phone tracking down insurance information, what is covered, what is out of network… Oh look, the insurance billed that as out of network, not in network. I have looked over a lot of my bills from my time in the hospital and wow, all I can say is I am thankful for insurance. Some of the current artworks I am doing reference the cost of medicine and I can understand why people file medical bankruptcy from medical issues alone. I am getting closer to starting some of the major projects but I am taking a little break. This last project took it out of me. I am trying to figure out why it was so emotionally taxing. As an artist, my favorite mental place to be is in my head and then seeing my project come to life. My next favorite is seeing someone interact with the piece. I honestly couldn’t care less if they like it, I am more concerned with if they get it. They could hate it and I would sleep just fine. This project took a lot of my mental bandwidth and I am searching as to the reason. It has been a while since I made something to this extent but I think it also has something to do with the mental journey I went on to make it. All of the memories, interactions, emotions, and fears were revisited through this piece. I also focused on topics that were near and dear to my heart while making art focusing on very new subjects. I think I am learning to do art a different way, a stronger way and that’s a lot right now. I love it!

Special note: October is Breast Cancer Awareness Month. Not only did I have a major scare when I was 23 that required surgery but I have had two friends in the last 2 years get breast cancer. I am currently raising awareness by competing to be on the cover of a magazine. If you find it in your heart to vote, please do so. All proceeds go to the foundation. https://votefab40.com/2024/marie-williams-3?fbclid=IwY2xjawF_9FpleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHcFJn0MebpeeOM0p3VQdGI8AZNccOFu6EOGNYRwV6fn5gn9xcBNzBnBKvQ_aem__N3hMy7J-gUbQUZGgMGqEg

Pic: Breast Cancer Awareness.

October 17, 2024

Day 47, AYAT - They were working on a plan for discharging me. The CT scan showed that the fluid collection around my diaphragm was almost gone, a great thing to celebrate! They wanted to reverse the ileostomy in the coming days and discharge me shortly after. They wanted me to go to a rehab facility based on several observations. I did say to them that I became wiped out physically after taking a shower and they took that as I couldn’t do it. Or at least the notes were saying that. I get it, you want your patients to be able to handle stuff at home but I think they were missing a huge part of this… I would have breakfast, see several doctors, nurses, and specialists, and then have to do PT and OT, most of the time before lunch. Things were not spread out and I would get tired. At home, I could spread out all that I needed to and pace myself which I did once I got home.

Also that day, a situation beyond my control had happened and I was sedated medically. Not for long and I ended up taking a nap but I feel that this was not the day to make assessments. I would have been exhausted from the medication and not up to much. It was not a reflection of my true strength or capabilities. I do not fault them however, they were saints to put up with my stubbornness. They couldn’t have known just how things were at that time because certain things were kept confidential. Only my nurse knew the extent of what caused the situation and she acted with discretion. Looking back I know I had amazing care from all of them and they had my best interests at heart based on the observations they made. I do not fault them in the least. You can only know what you know until you know more. 20/20 right???

Today, I spent some much-needed time relaxing and working on my house. It was a self-care day doing something I had wanted to do for weeks. Things look amazing and inviting, creating a sense of calm. This needs to be my sanctuary and little by little it is becoming just that. Soon I will change my focus to my barn/studio. Yes, my dear husband gifted me an entire building to move my studio to, which is one of the reasons we chose this property. When I get to that point, maybe I will create another blog… or just share pics. I also spent time evaluating my artist statement. So much has changed since I wrote it and I feel like my art practice has shifted focus. In the last three years, I have spent time, packing my school apartment, moving, packing my home, moving, unpacking, dying, living, and then healing. I finally made my first art piece in three years and it has a lot of the elements that are me but so much more than what I did before. Time for some serious reflection.

Pic: Woke up with a headache and this picture says it all!