Day 36, AYAT. My white cell count was improving and I my oxygen needs were getting better but I was still having fevers. They did another CT scan and found a collection of fluid that they felt needed to be drained. I remember this day or at least parts of it pretty clear. I had been coughing hard because of an accidentally breathing in some water. I spent about an hour trying to cough it up and in the process tried to throw up repeatedly. It was during this time that I was informed that I would be undergoing another procedure to determine if I needed another drain. Again, I absolutely hated these. They were so painful and I was dreading the outcome. I found out that the team that did this procedure had a very small window in which they could do this so there was no way to give me warning. The kind man who wheeled me down the hall gave me an alcohol wipe that I could sniff. It helps with controlling the gag reflex. I tried to control my heaving as we entered the room. All of the medical personnel were kind and helped me find a way to be calm. I was awake for this procedure. I was thankful for being awake as I was, and still am, so scared to go under general again. For this procedure I leaned up against a table while a sweet nurse talked to me. I cannot remember all that we talked about, maybe it was about my animals but I remember it was a great conversation and kept my attention away from what was happening. They did give me some meds to relax me and they drained 400 ml of fluid. I had asked to see it and it just looked like light yellow colored fluid. This stuff doesn’t bother me, it never really has. At one time when I was 24 I had entertained the idea of becoming a nurse. I had taken a CNA class, which I passed, along with Human Anatomy and Physiology 1 and 2. I have seen two cadavers, held in my hands a human heart, liver, kidneys, and hear stories about other people who had seen cadavers. Nothing bothered me. I probably could have been a nurse and been good at it but life happened and my path shifted. I absolutely do not regret it but I am thankful for the knowledge I obtained during that time. It helped with several situations along my path and during my hospital stay it helped me to understand some of what was going on around me.
Today: I had a moment where I briefly thought my film cameras might have been taken. I won’t get into the details but I did come to understand that I have items that mean a great deal to me. I also realized just as quickly, that if they had been taken, I could always replace them. Nothing is irreplaceable except life. Since my stay at the hospital, things have shifted. I have never really been materialistic or at least I didn’t feel I was. There are a few items that remind me of events from my past but since the hospital, most of those things no longer have a hold on me. Today when I was going through boxes and climbing through spider webs I realized that it wasn’t the cameras that I was concerned about, it was the way they could have left my possession. There would have been nothing I could have done about it but I would have been upset at the persons responsible for the loss because it would have been intentional. Just as quickly as this thought materialized, I let it go and kept looking for the cameras. We found the one I was most concerned about and moved on. I did learn something about myself and that was worth it. I needed to be reminded that possessions come and go but live and interactions are what matter. Hug your loved ones, call your friends, and send love to your enemies. We all need to be lifted up at times. Find your Peace.
