Day 49, AYAT - I was in better spirits. I had worked out with PT and OT. Doing both was a lot of work in one day, but I did it. I also had an amazing nurse M. Every nurse I had brought something different to my life at the time. Being in the hospital for so long isolated me in a way that is hard to describe. I could have visitors but I was so exhausted most of the time that they were out of the question. My closest family visited but they spent time helping me do PT/OT, and kept me fed when the food at the hospital was unbearable. The food wasn’t horrible, I was just tired of the same food, day in and day out. My nurse M and I had come up with an option that helped with the nausea and protein intake. I remember one day I had just finished my cheese, meat, and crackers and the tray was lying on the bed. Those beds are just big enough for the person and not much more. I decided to put the tray on my walker, thinking it would hold it. Well…. bad idea. No sooner had I laid it on the walker that it fell on one side and crashed to the floor. The plate, what had remained on the plate, and the juice container fell with it. It looked like I had had a tantrum. I debated on getting out of bed and cleaning it up but the rail was up and I still had a hard time walking without my walker. Sooo I had to decide between risking a fall or swallowing my pride and asking for help. I pushed the call button hoping the CNA would answer but no sooner had I pushed the button but nurse M came in. I immediately apologized and her gaze went to the floor. I explained what I was trying to do and she was gracious about it. She even went so far as to make a joke about it, “Well if you are mad about something, we can talk about it. No need to throw things around.” It was just what I needed to hear. It broke the tension and relieved me of shame, and we had stuff to tell the night nurse that was coming on shift soon. In those moments, nurse M taught me to laugh again. Nurse K had taught me to hope again by planning for my future and nurse M taught me that it was okay to laugh. Until that moment I had been holding my breath. This is just one of the many examples of how these healthcare providers helped me. Yes, it’s their job to monitor their patience, give medications, report on progress, and overall make sure things are going in the right direction but what isn’t as much in their job description is compassion. Hopefully, this comes naturally and for most of my nurses it was but I did have one or two that lacked it. Compassion makes all of the difference and when she showed compassion instead of anger, I was relieved of the shame I felt for not being able to take care of myself. I am so independent that this stay in the hospital was humiliating. I had to humble myself over and over but the staff worked very hard not to make it worse. I have had nurses that didn’t understand my needs and humiliated me. This didn’t happen at this hospital, it was another one several years before. To this day I refuse to go back to the other hospital. Nurse M, thank you for helping me laugh again. Thank you for your compassion, and thank you for the stories. I loved living vicariously through your stories.
Today: I hosted a wreath-making class for the textile guild. I was gifted a beautiful picture by a couple of little girls as a thank-you for the class. During class, I was running around and didn’t get to open the picture until I got home. Once I opened it, I was blown away by all of the details. It brightened my day so much so that it will be framed and hung on my studio wall. It was a great day.
Pic: I just love the bubbles.
