October 16, 2024 - Everything Happens for a Reason.

-Note: If you are reading this, please let me know where you are reading this from.

Day 46, AYAT - I have found a new system that shares a multitude of notes that I have not seen before. I now see about 8 records per day whereas I was only seeing about 3 before. This gives me a better picture of what I was going through and what the medical personnel was thinking. Physical Therapy was pushing for a rehab facility and until I saw their notes, I was not sure why they were thinking this. I now see that they thought I couldn’t do the things they were asking. I could do them but because my time with them was limited or I had just had another surgery or I was hooked up to a thousand (exaggerating) tubes, I had such a hard time managing all of that. What they didn’t see was when they were not looking, I would get up and move my body. I would do my exercises in my bed and I would walk from the chair back to my bed. I had confessed this to a doctor who at the time gave me a look I couldn’t decipher the meaning. Now, I am guessing, it was a concern that I was a fall risk. I didn’t do these things all of the time but I know if I had a little more freedom, fewer surgeries, and fewer tubes, I would have moved more. I know they were protecting me and I am so grateful for that. I also know that the reason I finally said no to rehab was that I was tired of people telling me what to do, how to do it, and when to do it. I had to ask for help to get to the bathroom because of all of the tubes. This was the same reason I didn’t venture out of my room a lot. I had an IV bag, sometimes a wound vac, and O2. That is a lot for one person to manage. Once those things were gone, I was gone. Yes, I became tired but I was so motivated to be mobile. I am not a person to sit still. I hate it. There is a time and a place for everything and resting was something I did a lot of but I also pushed myself to get better. I was not going to let this permanently cripple me. I think another reason I didn’t move as much was I knew how much the staff had on their plates and I didn’t want to be another person they had to help. I know it was their jobs but I didn’t want to tax them. They were very gracious with their help and didn’t make me feel like an inconvenience or at least the staff from the hospital I was in didn’t. We did have visiting staff and my nurse was okay but on several occasions made me feel like a burden and said some things that shouldn’t have been said. I will get into that later. In the end, I did what I did and I am here now so it all worked.

Today: After staying up until 1 am, having a restless sleep, and getting up at 6:15 to get to the hospital for my first appointment, I missed Dr. Wonderful by 10 minutes. So my gift is still with me. Things happen for a reason. At a later date and time, I am hoping I can still meet up and present it. It was a letdown but this also gives me time to comb through it a little more and refine some of the things I wanted to work out just a little more. I did get to see some very special people, H. who is now not a receptionist, and PA L. PA L had changed her hair and looked wonderful! H. has always been kind and compassionate! It was good catching up just a bit. My husband and I went home to our wonderful country home to rest for the remainder of the day. We received a card from the vet that took care of Maverick, my first service dog. Maverick had passed away right before my last surgery and seeing a picture of him today just broke the floodgates wide open. I spent the rest of the day crying off and on. I am sure some of this was due to being sleep-deprived but grief comes in waves and this was one of them. After watching a little TV and taking a little nap, we went and viewed the Super Moon. It’s the last one this year. My phone did not want to capture it and I was too tired to get out my mega camera. Experiencing it was enough. It was so peaceful watching it in the valley without street lights or other people. It was a wonderful ending to a somewhat hard day. Time to sleep and recharge my mind.

Pic of Super Moon.

October 15, 2024 - It's going to be a short one

Day 45, AYAT - Afebrile was the word I saw on all of the doctor’s notes. I had been without a fever since the 12th. My white blood count was in normal range and I was in good spirits. They were talking about the possibility of discharging me. I still had the ostomy and with great Danes, that is very unwise. Since I have been home I have been bumped repeatedly in the area where the ostomy was. It has been painful and I cannot imagine what my danes would have done if I had still had it. They were also recommending that I go to a rehab facility and this was about the time that I was considering it. I had been very tired and the rep had spoken to me with my mom. It sounded like it could work and that I would be taken care of. The rehab people told me that I could be there for a few days but it could also be a couple of weeks. This was the first time I was actually considering it because of all of the complications. I was afraid to go home and have more fevers. I didn’t want to have problems with my heart or other issues without being monitored. Again, I was petrified of having a relapse. That was the driving force behind considering a rehab facility.

Today: I have been working on my project for Dr. Wonderful. Tomorrow is the deadline and I love how things are coming together. I have to get back to it so here is another clue picture. Please be kind, I hate my handwriting.

October 14, 2024 - The Solar Eclipse and More on Dr Wonderful's gift...

Day 44, AYAT - I do not know much about this day as the medical records I was referencing have disappeared… Da Du Daahhhhhh… It seems that the providers have changed their portal and my previous visits are not there. So I will tell you what I do remember. It was a beautiful crisp October day and in Colorado, anything goes as far as the weather. My husband had come to visit me earlier that day so we could see the eclipse. It’s kind of our thing, looking at celestial events. I had worked with the nurses to have a wheelchair ready by the time I had breakfast and did my morning routine. Just as he was arriving the nurses helped me into the chair and we went to the nurses station to fabricate some glasses. We needed their scissors. Mylar is dense enough to block out a lot of the harmful light from the sun but thin enough to see through. My surgeon had been at the nurses station and helped my husband cut up the balloon. Once we did that, my husband took me down to the garden area and we watched the eclipse. I am sure we looked ridiculous putting what equates to sheets of metal over our eyes but it was one of the best mornings of my stay. I got cold very quickly so we went in but I still remember sitting in that chair enjoying my morning and for a moment I wasn’t a patient. I was me and free.

Today: T-2 days… I will be delivering the project I have been working on for Dr. Wonderful on Wednesday morning. Barring any hiccups or scheduling issues I will present a project that I have been working on since I was released from the hospital. I have never made an art piece specifically for a person and this has been a challenge but I think it will be appreciated. Nothing compares to what has been done for me so all I can do is my best and hope that it is well received. As it is coming together and I am getting ready to let it go, it is easier to part with it than I had imagined. I usually do not give my art away. I also do not sell it. I do not make art to profit from it. If that happens one day, great! I just resigned myself a long time ago that my work would not be for profit. It would be to touch lives, create conversations, and bring joy. If I have achieved this then that is enough for me.

Pics: Solar Eclipse seen through mylar and photographed with my phone.

Additional pics: Hints to what my project entails.

October 13, 2024 - Close Encounters of the 8 legged kind!

Day 43, AYAT - The day before they had restarted the antibiotics. My white blood count went down but I was feeling nauseated. Vancomycin was a hard drug to be on. They had to test my blood daily to see if there was enough in my system and make adjustments accordingly. My body does not tolerate a lot of medications so I am not surprised that I felt so sick during that time. I have to be in a lot of pain to take painkillers and I usually take the least about. I absolutely detest opioids! I only started taking sleep aids when I couldn’t sleep more than 4 hours a night but those do not make me nauseous. Back to day 43… The hospitalist was concerned that I had lost so much weight that they started counting my calories. She had also said if I didn’t stop losing weight that they would consider putting in a feeding tube. This frustrated me as I had tried to eat all that I could but I was so nauseous that my stomach rolled with the thought of food. I do not tolerate being nauseous well. One of my amazing nurses K. had worked it out with the kitchen to provide a protein shake so I could take in a few more calories. I did better with these than the chalky Ensure they were giving me. When they first started arriving I ignored them. No one had told me why they were sending them to me. When I found out I explained to them that I was already nauseous and that giving me something so disgusting would not help the situation. My nurse was great and we figured it out. I do believe the biggest issue was the colostomy. My body was not absorbing enough and I was eating very little. Looking back I was consuming around 1500 calories and let’s face it, I had weight to spare so the forced healthy diet was not the problem. I know you need protein to heal so I focused on eating meats. One of the other nurses had helped me come up with a cheese, meat, and cracker meal. I was able to get it down and I didn’t upset my stomach in the process. I topped it off with a Banana and strawberry Naked. Sounds like a great meal to me. They never did put in that feeding tube. I think I would have protested a lot and it wouldn’t have happened without restraining me. Lucky for all, we didn’t have that battle.

Today: Have I mentioned that I am not a fan of spiders??? I don’t know what it is but something in my senses caused an uncontrollable sound to emerge from the back of my throat when surprised by one. I blame them entirely! I love all animals and beings, snakes and bees, but I am terrified of spiders, or at least I used to be. The fear only intensified when I was in Okinawa and the huntsman spiders were as big as my hand! Instead of killing them, I would just leave. They owned whatever they were on and I moved out! Okay, so I didn’t drive my car for a month after finding one in the door. I was happy to ride in my friend’s cars or walk. I have now adopted a new attitude and brokered a treaty with them. As long as they stay out of sight, I will not kill them. I will relocate them if they show themselves to me. I think it’s only fair, everything has a right to life. Spiders are no exception. Well, today I was looking at my catnip plastic Temu grow box and noticed the catnip didn’t look as healthy as it had before. TMI - I was sitting in the bathroom and yes I was doing stuff you do in the bathroom. The grow light was still working so I knew it wasn’t for a lack of UV so I picked it up. I took the top off and began to inspect the leaves. Something moved out of the corner of my eye and I locked eyes with a ferocious house spider!!!! It scrambled across the 8-inch box towards my hand at the exact moment that uncontrollable sounds escaped my lips. My hand lost control of the box, as I well how do you say this… let go of the box and chose to save my hand versus letting the thing crawl on my fingers. Down went the plant, box, and spider onto the floor. All of the wet dirt splashed everywhere and there the spider continued to walk around the remains. I sat there trying to finish what I had originally set out to do but you know how things work when you are stressed out! Finally, I was done and able to retrieve the box, box lid, what was left of the dirt, and plant remains. The spider was relocated a short time later by my husband as I was not properly dressed to help the spider to a new home. I learned a valuable lesson! When in the bathroom stick to the plan and do not deviate until all the important stuff is done.

Pic is of a spider a few days ago when I found him on the wall and let him be. I will never do that again! The treaty will be enforced!

October 12, 2024

Day 42, 2024, AYAT - I began to get worse. I developed a cough and they increased my oxygen intake. I was still experiencing tachycardia, a fever of 101.4, and sweating. My white blood count was on the rise as well. Concerned that I had a respiratory infection, they ordered a CT scan but didn’t point to any one issue. They started a couple of antibiotics. Other than that, I was improving overall per the notes of the hospitalist. I vaguely remember this day. I had been holding my breath while we waited to see if my fevers worsened and when they started me on antibiotics I was relieved. They seemed to feel that this was the right course of action and I was happy they were finding answers. This might have been when I started to feel crummy again. I was tired and sleeping more. I also didn’t have a lot of energy. I definitely didn’t have the energy to deal with my naturally curly hair which had partially turned into a rats nest. After bathing one day I had asked a very kind charge nurse to braid my unruly curly hair. If I didn’t keep my hair tamed it would strangle me while I slept. I didn’t have the strength to brush it so while it was wet she braided it. I left it that way for about a week. Then the braid had started to cause pain on my scalp so I undid it and twisted it up. This was a bad idea. My hair worked itself into the fattest dreadlock about 7 inches by 4 inches. Not all of my hair was included, just the tuff on the top and it was a crazy mess. When I realized it was there I started to complain about my appearance claiming I looked like I had been electrocuted. My sweet nurse K, helped cut it out. I remember feeling defeated and embarrassed as she snipped tiny pieces of hair trying to free me from the tangled birds nest that sat on top of my head. I had spent the last 6 years growing out my hair only to have to cut a lot of it off. Before the surgery, it had been down to my waist and here we were removing a lot of it. Curly hair likes to break and it took a lot of babying to get it that long. I know it’s vanity but some of a woman’s beauty comes from her hair. Looking back I didn’t realize that that was just the start. Septic Shock patients can lose 60% to 90% of their hair and so did mine. 90% just fell out about 3 months after the initial infection. Daily clumps of it lined the shower floor and eventually, I became curious about the condition of my head. I took a mirror and positioned it so I could see the back of my head. Bad idea! I looked like I was a 90-year-old woman who was balding. Instantly I broke out in tears. I had just had it colored, something I had been doing for years, and it was all gone. The few straggly pieces I had left reminded me of the comb-overs that cover just enough to give the illusion of hair but when you look closer you can clearly see the scalp. I was embarrassed and devastated. I know it was just hair but it was going to take a lot to get it back to what it was, or even feel like it was long enough to cover my head without feeling awkward. I began wearing a cover and looked into wigs. This was a very frustrating search as all of the great ones were thousands of dollars. The ones I was willing to try made my head feel funny and I hated the way they looked on me. I eventually decided that wigs wouldn’t work and I could either wear my head coverings and wait or let the world see my naked head. I opted to cover it, which I still wear today because it’s only grown out about 4 inches. The 10% that didn’t fall out is about 8 inches and they help cover just enough of my head to allow me to wear clip-in extensions. I love how I feel in them and instantly had hair that was 24” long. However, the naturally curly, unruly hair growth does not sit down right and most of the time I look like I am competing for the biggest hair in Texas competitions. A compromise has been achieved and I can stand to look at my hair again. Hair covering for everyday style and hair covering plus extensions when I want to feel my best.

Today: I had an event that called for hair covering plus my extensions. Pictures below. The first is with my cover plus extensions and the second is once I got home and took the covering off. No pictures of the Biggest Hair competition, however. Maybe someday but not today. The event was 2 hours away and it was earlier than when I get up most days but it was so fun to see family. I did pull the eject button once I got home and all of that hair is now safely in a drawer. I can only look this good for short bursts. Too much of a good thing isn’t good!

October 11, 2024

Day 41, AYAT - Day two off of antibiotics, and I still have a fever but it was much lower. 99.4. My white blood count had improved and we were waiting and watching. Physical therapy was recommending that I go to a rehab facility once they discharged me. Guess who was absolutely against it….. Yep, I was Amy Winehouse’n my opinions to anyone who would hear it. I just felt that I could get better without a facility. Maybe there was some stubbornness associated with it but I felt that being around the people I loved would do so much more for my heart than any facility could do. With a happy heart, I could encourage my body to heal just as fast if not faster. I already was frustrated with having to ask for help in any capacity and I was tired of being a patient. I felt that I could walk enough by myself to strengthen my legs and I would be walking in no time. I remember one night in particular that I proved this theory… I had been sitting in bed and dozed off. I somehow lost my phone, the hospital phone, and the call button. I knew I needed someone to help as bending over only hurt my abdomen. So guess who got out of bed and shuffled herself to the door? I know I gave the CNA a heart attack as I called down the hallway for help. It wasn’t a panicked help, just a please help when you can kind of call. I still remember her face as she helped me back to bed and retrieved the call button, no reprimanding just compassion. Fun times were had by all! :)

Today, I made several medical calls and travel arrangements. I also got the ball rolling on some major things that hopefully will be newsworthy at some point. I am also working on my Secret Squirrel project for Dr. Wonderful. In the pic, I am giving a hint… Can you guess what I am doing???

October 10, 2024

Day 40, AYAT - I was visited by an angel that morning… Okay, not a real angel but every time PA R. visited me it was first thing in the morning and her golden hair shined like an angel. I remember the first time I saw her and thought “Wow, I would love to have hair that glowed in the light like that.” She was such a comfort to talk to, a great bedside manner. I felt like I could talk to her from day one. This morning she was asking about the day before and how I was feeling. I was still nervous about the fevers and I had had one the day before. I had also been outside the day before and it was wonderful. I could only stay outside for about 30 minutes as I was strangely cold. I usually run hot so being cold was a new thing. Not a bad thing, just a new thing. I was developing some congestion and I think they put me on some Claritin. They tested to see if I had Covid, the flu, or RSV. All came back negative. I was in isolation because of the VRE. I am thankful that I didn’t have one of those on top of all of this. I only had a few visitors, all family, because I was so tired most of the time. One of the physical therapists had told me that it would feel like I was running a marathon for a long time. She had said this while I was in the ICU and I didn’t understand what that meant until I was in a regular room and it was time to get up to use the bathroom. They used this something Susan to help me up. I used my upper body strength to pull myself up and I groaned the whole time. I was in a lot of pain and it wasn’t until they drained the pockets of fluid from my abdomen that I figured out why I was in so much pain. Everything I did was a million times harder than before all of this. By day 40 I was standing and possibly taking a few steps but I had to use a walker most of the time and they used a belt around my chest to catch me in case I fell. I hated the belt. I didn’t fall and I know it gave them peace of mind but I would have loved to just rip that thing off and walk on my own.

Today: Not much going on just cleaning. I have still been in pain between my incisions so I am watching that closely. I received a much-appreciated call this morning from PA E. She wanted to check up on me. After feeling so down about making a fool of myself yesterday, it was nice to chat with her. Sometimes all someone needs is a little compassion. I have been so hard on myself since all of this happened. I refused medications at times, pushed myself to do better, and chastised myself for things beyond my control. I have to keep reminding myself that there is no right or wrong right now. Giving up is not an option, nor do I feel like I want to, but sometimes I feel like I should not have issues. The reality is that what will be will be. I do not have control over what my body decides to do. I get to live in it and it has a mind of its own. Getting help does not make me weak and the professionals are there to help. They are people too and who’s to say that they wouldn’t experience the same kinds of challenges if they were in my place? I am really glad they studied medicine because not all of us are cut out to do that. Some of us have spent our time pursuing a reason to live… Art… What is life without creativity, beauty, and dreams? Art makes life worth living.

Pic-not my pic.

October 9, 2024

Day 39, AYAT - I remember this day. It was very hard to handle. I was still spiking fevers and scared beyond mention. The doctors decided to take me off of all antibiotics to see if I was having fevers associated with the medications. It’s called drug fever. The plan was to watch my white blood count, fevers, and exams closely to figure out the cause of the fevers. If the fevers worsened they had a plan, if they got better then they knew what had caused them in the first place. Well, let me tell you!!!! This caused panic. I was tachycardia, having fevers, chills, pain, and so scared of a massive infection. In my mind, the antibiotics were helping my diseased body fight off the sepsis and kept me alive. Here are the trusted doctors telling me that they will be stopping the antibiotics to see how things go. Yes, I was losing it and I was crying. I would cry off and on that day because of the overwhelming ask to trust them. I eventually realized that they didn’t make me do this from home. They did this while I was in the hospital and if something went wrong, I was in the best place to get help. Finally, I calmed down. All of these professionals had come together with a plan to help figure out my fevers. Did I feel like a little ginny pig?? Yes, but I also realized that they at least came up with a way to figure out what was wrong. I wasn’t left to deal with the fevers while they threw more antibiotics at it. They had a plan. I worked with the nurses to prepare for the fevers, if they should come, and that helped me feel like I was part of the solution instead of a patient to be acted upon. I was an active participant in this. That was helpful and empowering. I needed that. It is so hard to be the patient. Trust is needed to move forward and understanding is important so the patient does not become lost. At times I felt that way. I was lost on several occasions but when I would speak up, the medical personnel would get me answers. That helped me trust my team and trust that we would find answers. Overall it was a scary day but a good day. I grew as a person.

Today: Today has been hard. I have been feeling kind of off for the last few days and I have been taking my blood pressure as I feel like my heart has been beating out of my chest. Last night I felt that way again so took my BP and saw the reading from a few days ago. My BP was okay but my pulse was racing 127. NOT okay!!! This was the kind of reading I had in the hospital when they were trying to figure out what was wrong. So I went back into a little panic. This morning I woke up with a serious pain in my incision area and so I started making some calls. I did speak with a wonderful PA and she was so comforting. As I started getting ready to head to the ER I remembered a hiccup with one of my medications and searched my pill box to see if I was correct. My BP medication was not in there. I hadn’t been taking it for a couple of days. Okay, so that explains the tachycardia but it doesn’t explain the pain. I am keeping an eye on it and hopefully, it’s just part of the healing process. Healing is hard work both physically and mentally. Some days I feel like a complete basket case and other days I feel like I am an old pro. Again, I learned something… Make lists, follow up on stuff, and do not let your life overwhelm you to the point of not taking care of yourself. Thank you PA E, For being compassionate and kind.

So today’s picture is of a meme I saw on FB and it came at the right time. When I put it into practice a calm came over me and I was able to rationally think things through. God works in mysterious ways or at least it seems mysterious because we were not expecting to be taken care of so completely.

October 8, 2024

Day 38, AYAT - From the information in my medical notes, I was tired of the fevers and scared that they wanted to put another drain in. I had had another one the night before and I was very scared of the reason. After waking up in the ICU and coming to terms of all that happened I developed a huge fear of regression. I was afraid that another infection would grow out of hand and that the doctors wouldn’t catch it. I was still in the hospital but that didn’t stop the fear. Now looking back, I know I was in the best place possible to figure it out. I think it was normal to fear another infection especially since it was so hard on my body. I understand a lot more now and do not fear it like I did. I know what to look for and I also believe that when it’s my time, there will be nothing that stops it. I’m good with that. I have had an additional year since everything has happened and I am so much more at peace. If you ever want to know how that happened, let me know. I am happy to share with you.

Today: We had some good news this morning and then came home to another baby chick. Coco, my other silky hen, hatched a beautiful black chick. We removed the chick until she has hatched them all and then we may move her inside with her babies. We want her to be safe and the chick to be safe. After seeing what the ducks did to their babies, we are not comfortable letting the babies stay out in the coop. Coco has two to three more eggs that she is sitting on so for today, tonight, and tomorrow, I am on baby watch!!!! I just love the babies. I have had one of the incubated babies come down with an eye infection, either it was scratched or it could be a respiratory issue. I have been treating it for a couple of days and it is looking better. The baby can open its eye again.

Also had some of the best potato salad from Sammy D’s!!! They make it with a Dijon’ mustard and nothing is as good. They even put sprouts on top and I am not really a fan of sprouts but this works. YUMMMY!!! If you go see them, tell them that I sent you. The best BBQ I have ever had!!!!

Good things are happening! Back to working on my special secret project for Dr Wonderful. :)

October 7, 2024

Day 37, AYAT - Emotional and Frustrated were used to describe my mood that day. I don’t remember being overly frustrated at any one time. I realized that there was a process but maybe that day I was more than vocal about my discomfort or I was really tired. I know I was especially tired of the fevers and the night before I had had a 102.4. I know that one hurt. I could feel them coming on and I would shake from head to toe. I also remember working with the nurse to cover me up including my head and allow the fever to do what ever it was supposed to do. When the fevers broke the shakes would go away and I would be really hungry.

In the notes they listed a pulmonary specialist and I don’t remember him being listed before. They might have brought him in because of the PE. I do see a note that Pulmonary was signing off on another drainage procedure but I do not think they put another one in. I think it was too risky. I also received a blood transfusion that day. I believe this was my third one since being hospitalized. I am so thankful for those that donate, please donate if you can! My white blood count had gone up again but that could have been from the procedure.

I do see a note that I was having a lot of issues with my anxiety and one of the best PA’s had visited me that day. She was very kind about my situation. I also remember talking with one of the best charge nurses and she approved a visit from my service dog. Seeing her was the best medicine I could have had for the soul that day. I felt so disconnected from my home and she was a part of my daily life. Being away from my home, husband, and animals was so isolating. I stopped feeling like a person and somehow because a test subject. Each time I had a visit from my family, I felt like I could go on one more day. I felt connected to the outside world instead of a cellmate where I could clearly to this day describe all four walls in detail. When the physicians, nurses, or anyone for that matter, shared with me a story or something that was going on in their lives, I lived vicariously through their words. For a moment, I wasn’t a patient, I was a person sharing common life events and I was able to escape the cell. I still remember those stories.

Today: I dropped off a project I had completed for a lady that needed a pad cover for a seat cushion that she uses on her horse sadle. Someone referred to me as the seamstress and I really liked that label. I wear many labels, artist, wife, daughter, friend and this one brought me some joy. Sewing has been passed down from generation to generation in my family. I learned it from my mother and grandmother. I have been sewing since I was seven and over the years have taught others to sew. It is kind of becoming a lost art. Hopefully it makes a comeback. The weather is starting to turn cold. I cannot wait for the snow!!!! I know, fall has just began but if you are at all familiar with Colorado, you know snow can come at any time and where I live, it will come sooner than later.

Pic: Joy of winter! Wishful thinking….

October 6, 2024

Day 36, AYAT. My white cell count was improving and I my oxygen needs were getting better but I was still having fevers. They did another CT scan and found a collection of fluid that they felt needed to be drained. I remember this day or at least parts of it pretty clear. I had been coughing hard because of an accidentally breathing in some water. I spent about an hour trying to cough it up and in the process tried to throw up repeatedly. It was during this time that I was informed that I would be undergoing another procedure to determine if I needed another drain. Again, I absolutely hated these. They were so painful and I was dreading the outcome. I found out that the team that did this procedure had a very small window in which they could do this so there was no way to give me warning. The kind man who wheeled me down the hall gave me an alcohol wipe that I could sniff. It helps with controlling the gag reflex. I tried to control my heaving as we entered the room. All of the medical personnel were kind and helped me find a way to be calm. I was awake for this procedure. I was thankful for being awake as I was, and still am, so scared to go under general again. For this procedure I leaned up against a table while a sweet nurse talked to me. I cannot remember all that we talked about, maybe it was about my animals but I remember it was a great conversation and kept my attention away from what was happening. They did give me some meds to relax me and they drained 400 ml of fluid. I had asked to see it and it just looked like light yellow colored fluid. This stuff doesn’t bother me, it never really has. At one time when I was 24 I had entertained the idea of becoming a nurse. I had taken a CNA class, which I passed, along with Human Anatomy and Physiology 1 and 2. I have seen two cadavers, held in my hands a human heart, liver, kidneys, and hear stories about other people who had seen cadavers. Nothing bothered me. I probably could have been a nurse and been good at it but life happened and my path shifted. I absolutely do not regret it but I am thankful for the knowledge I obtained during that time. It helped with several situations along my path and during my hospital stay it helped me to understand some of what was going on around me.

Today: I had a moment where I briefly thought my film cameras might have been taken. I won’t get into the details but I did come to understand that I have items that mean a great deal to me. I also realized just as quickly, that if they had been taken, I could always replace them. Nothing is irreplaceable except life. Since my stay at the hospital, things have shifted. I have never really been materialistic or at least I didn’t feel I was. There are a few items that remind me of events from my past but since the hospital, most of those things no longer have a hold on me. Today when I was going through boxes and climbing through spider webs I realized that it wasn’t the cameras that I was concerned about, it was the way they could have left my possession. There would have been nothing I could have done about it but I would have been upset at the persons responsible for the loss because it would have been intentional. Just as quickly as this thought materialized, I let it go and kept looking for the cameras. We found the one I was most concerned about and moved on. I did learn something about myself and that was worth it. I needed to be reminded that possessions come and go but live and interactions are what matter. Hug your loved ones, call your friends, and send love to your enemies. We all need to be lifted up at times. Find your Peace.

October 5, 2024

Day 35, AYAT We were past the revision of the ileostomy and I having fevers again. During the night I had a temperature of 101.3. I remember feeling crummy. The fevers took it out of me. The Tylenol was helpful, but it was still a mystery as to the exact reason for the fevers. I do not remember a lot about this specific day. My mom visited me and kept me entertained which was so special. By this time, I had been in the hospital over a month and I was becoming stir crazy. I was already crazy so adding the stir was very challenging. Mom and I would sing songs trying to strengthen my lungs and we would do my physical and occupational therapy exercises in bed. I was too tired at times to get out, but I wanted to continue to get better. Every day I would look at the board in my room that displayed all of the important information such as the names of the doctor, nurse, CNA, infection disease doc, and there was a place where I could list patients’ goal which from day one said, “To go home.” It was my inspiration, and I would play my first dance wedding song over and over to remind me that there was a world outside. That there was a beautiful husband and babies at home waiting for me. I would have loved sitting at the window just watching the world go by if I had had the strength. There was a chair in my room that I hated. It hurt my bottom so much. My lower back and legs ached from sitting in it for any period of time. It didn’t occur to me to ask for a wheelchair or to sit on the couch by the window until later into my stay. I think I would have been just pleased as punch to watch the cars go by on the busy highway by the hospital. From my bed I could see a parking garage which really was not entertaining but just beyond the parking lot was a field and one day I noticed that there was police activity. They were coordaining off part of the parking lot. I was very nervous that I couldn’t get up and walk out. I had very little strength and I was still hooked up to so many machines. Eventually cars were permitted to park there and my anxiety left but I still wonder to this day, what was going on. Maybe it was a VIP coming to see the beautiful hospital???

Today: Good things happened…  First, I tried on my glasses with a different look and yes, I am pleased with them. They allow me to see which is very important and they do not get in the way of my vision. I also look okay in them. No pictures, however. I had taken a few but none of them are singing to me. Second, this is a Biggy!  I found a kiln that I can do some of the work I have been dreaming about. I have a “wish list” and the kiln that I had been looking for came up on Facebook market for a GREAT price!!!  Guess who has it!!!! That’s right, ME! This allows me to work on a piece that I came up with while in the hospital. I’m not going to go into detail now. Once I am finished with it, I will post. This one will take me a while to do so check back for updates. I plan on sharing little pieces here and there.
For today I will share the size of the kiln… Small Tabletop kiln that can do small crafts and projects. That’s it, no more clues.  😊 

Pic: Not mine. Just my favorite flower bathing in Autumn and of the kiln.

October 4, 2024

Day 34, AYAT - It was the day after they revised my ileostomy. It was sealing better however, I had a lot of edema so they put the tight stockings on my legs and started lasix. I hated it because it meant getting up a lot but I also was ready to go home so I went with it. I was not sleeping well, I never do, so I had asked the nurses to help minimize the amount of night interruptions. Again, great nurses!!!! They were more than willing to accommodate me. I also had a great wound care nurse that was honestly an angel. She worked so hard to make the ileostomy work and had the patience of a saint! One day we had to replace the bag three times. I was so impressed with her ability to stay cool and collected. I could tell that she loved what she did and she was happy to be with her patients.

Today: I went to the eye doctor to get my glasses back. I had ordered them last May and they had broke a few weeks ago. I picked them up and tried them on. Did I mention I absolutely hate having stuff on my face??? Sun glasses are fine but I hate anything that gets in the way of my vision. Most likely that is due to being an artist. When I looked in the mirror I could see my face, frameless lenses, and I still didn’t like them. I do like the little bit of jewels on the sides. They seem to be the closest things next to contacts without wearing contacts. I can’t do contacts, I have corrections for both near and far so these are my option. I did ask for transitions, progressives, and safety glass because of my profession, texture toucher and manipulator. I will try them out tomorrow with a different look and see if I can deal with them. I know I have to wear a pair because I almost didn’t pass my eye exam to drive without them. This might be my driving glasses and my other cuter pair would be my everyday pair. Pic of glasses, no they are not on yet. Although there is a little bit of a reflection of me taking the picture. Maybe I will post a picture of them on tomorrow… NO Promises!

October 3, 2024

Day 33, AYAT… They revised the ileostomy because it had retracted a little into my abdomen and we couldn’t get a good seal around it to put the stoma bag on. This had been a problem for several days and I was frustrated with all of the leakage. I had hoped that we could reverse the ileostomy but I had had a test that showed my lower intestines still were not working right. Thank God the doctor did those tests!!! If he hadn’t and just reversed the ileostomy, I would have had another leak and been right back to becoming septic. Again, my fantastic doctor and his staff took great care of me.

Today, I renewed my drivers license… Why is this a big deal you might ask. Well, it had expired and legally I was not able to drive, so I didn’t. This had never happened to me before but I feel that I am still preoccupied with all that happened last year and I am still healing from my most recent surgery. It does feel at times that I will never be fully past all of this but I know that is a passing thought. It will be a thing of the past and life will move forward. In fact, if anything, today is proof that life is moving forward. I guess I will have to do two things at once. Not the first person to have to do that and I am still here to be able to do that. Mundane things are a treasure because there was a time when I couldn’t do them. I am reminding myself that there are still people who cannot do those things and are wishing they had my life. Blessings are everywhere, you just need to look for them.

October 2, 2024

Day 32, AYAT Most of my levels were improving to the point that discharging me home was now on a tentative schedule. They had planned to do another surgery and if all else was good, then send me home. Appearance was listed as well-developed which is a very kind way of saying obese. I prefer well-developed. I was however, still having fevers which were so painful. I remember sitting there in horrible pain while my body shivered. The shivers hurt so much and my eyes burned. I would beg for as many warm blankets as they could give me. Those nurses were saints!!! They would accommodate me as best as they could. The CNAs were also amazing. They worked very hard to listen to what I needed and protect my privacy. I liked to have my door closed because I felt like a fish in a fishbowl but I remember during the fevers, I was scared to be alone so I asked for them to keep the doors open. I wanted someone to find me if something went wrong. Nothing did, but I was still scared. It is hard to wake up from a situation that you were mostly unaware of what was going on around you and start to improve only to regress. Even if that regression is just a little, it was terrifying. I was not ready to say goodbye to anyone and I felt like I had a lot to do once I got out of the hospital but I also realized that there is a time for everything. If it was my time, then it was my time. Nothing, including the medical staff could change that. So for today, I am meant to be here.

Today has been amazing! We have babies! Okay baby chicks but still babies! The eggs I collected after Penny passed away, in hopes that we would get at least one naked neck baby has hatched. We have 5 little babies! Two are regular chickens, one four toed baby, and two silkies… Yes, one is a naked neck silkie. She/He is beautiful and has such a sweet personality already. It is tiny like Penny was when she was just born. Pic of this sweet little one!

October 1, 2024

Day 31, AYAT Most of the issues I had been dealing with were continuing to get better or stabilized. I was frustrated with the ileostomy and they were working on the bacterias. There were a lot of other words in the charts that I haven’t looked up and at this point, I am not ready to. I was 31 days into my hospital stay and wishing beyond anything to go home. I do believe healing comes in many ways and when your heart is involved it’s best to go to a safe place.

Today has been a big day. At 1am this morning I submitted my application. It will take some time to hear back so no news yet. Just a celebration of getting all of that done. I had a wonderful talk today that helped direct some of my thinking and I finally started working on a special project for a woman that needed a semesters. Sewing has been passed down from generation to generation in my family. I learned how to sew from my mother and grandmother. I am kinda old school about how to do it and I feel confident in my skill. There is always something new to learn and I will listen, observe, and try out new things. It’s important to embrace change and accept help. In the next few weeks there will be a lot of change. I am excited for it and ready for fall. It has been especially cold today but I really enjoy the cooler air.

Image not mine.

September 30. 2024

Day 30, AYAT From the notes it would seem that they had found another bacteria that they needed to treat. Still experiencing nausea but at least I was marked as being pleasant and a good mood from two different providers.

Today has been a busy day! First thing this morning I found one of my cats trying to "play" with a mouse and I saved it. I took it outside where it can hopefully find a new home. I realize it might be right back in here but at that point that would be on it. Almost have my application done and set up a couple of things around the house. Today marks the last day in September which is also Sepsis awareness month. It is hard to believe where I was a year ago but I am so thankful that I have moved on. Tomorrow is the application deadline. Wish me luck!

September 29, 2024

Day 29, AYAT we had gotten some of the cultures back from the drain that they put in on the 28th And my medication’s were adjusted again. I was completely nauseous and tired and not eating well. It looks like I had lost almost 8 pounds in four days however, I’m not really sure how accurate those are because I was still in bed and they hadn’t gotten me up out of bed to weigh me. It was just the bed that they were going off of. One of the physicians assistance recognize that I was struggling with the colostomy and started advocating for the removal or reversal of it. I am so thankful for her and for her insight. Before the surgery, that was my worst fear to have to live with a ileostomy bag, but I had no idea how bad everything could get. If I had known, then what I known now I still would’ve done it all. There is a lot of good that has come from all of this and although it’s been really hard and scary at times, I know where I am supposed to be.

Today: Today has been a pretty quiet day and I believe both Chris and I are coming down with something. It’s also the first day that I am not wearing my brace which I have been in some pain and that has surprised me a little since it’s in my original surgical area and not the most recent hernia repair. We’ll see how tomorrow goes. I cannot wait for the cooler weather and enjoying hot chocolate. Can’t stand coffee so it would have to be chocolate!

September 28, 2024

Day 28, AYAT. They put a drain in drain a fluid pocket that they suspected was infected. I hated these drains as they were so painful. I would guard them with my hands and stabilize them with tape. If they moved at all they would put pressure against the skin and muscles. I absolutely hated them, but they served a purpose and they were part of the recovery.

Today I revived the box of my medical records and it was the size of a paper box. I have read through 270 pages and have learned a few things. I’m currently in the charges section and again I thank God for insurance. I cannot imagine dealing with all of this without it. Ready for a nice low key day seeing a special project together.

September 27, 2024

Day 27 AYAT. My white blood count was trending up with nausea, night sweats, and my Ileostomy was leaking regularly so they sent for a CTscan. They found more fluid-filled areas. They were also watching my blood count as I was headed down. I remember being confused as to what was going on but not so much that I was delirious. I was focused on moving forward.

Today I had an interesting conversation about the definition of an Artist, specifically a visual artist. This excludes performers. What is a visual artist? Are they entertainers? Are they performers? Kinda having a total identity crisis right now...